I'll wear a fake smile for you

Cause I know that what I feel would be considered a nuisance by you, my angel.
I know my feelings would make you frown and suffer. Maybe even cry.
I’m sorry.
But I can’t stop feeling like that, even if I’d love to, especially right now.
Especially today.
How am I supposed to get numb if my heart is scorching and I feel freezing and burning at the same time just seeing your face?
How am I supposed to crush my stupid emotions if just your voice calling me breaks my defences?
Why you can’t just leave me alone, why you keep coming to my refuge to see my brothers and father and try to pretend you aren’t there to talk about me?
I can tell your laughter is forced when I’m close. I can tell your green eyes glance everywhere, looking for me. You are like a fragile and beautiful gazelle, nervous when smells a predator.
But I’m not a predator. I’m a prey like you.
I’m a prey for my own feelings, and that’s all because of you.
Because you kissed me.
It’s not a dream originated by my wish, I can tell because you were the one kissing me and I felt it. I felt your juicy lips brushing my leathery ones, your tongue looking for mine.
Just a few seconds, but they changed all my world.
I won’t be the same again. Nevermore.
You marked me. I saw your green stare when you broke the kiss, your bruised lips for the rough brush against my skin.
You never talked about that kiss, now…
“Donnie?”
…now I’m lost. I can’t work…
“Donnie?”
…I’m a genius.
“Donatello?”
And yet I can’t fix myself. “Yes, Leo?”
“It’s time. We’ll come late if we don’t rush.”
The gentleness in your voice is so… so… annoying.
Don’t talk to me as if I was fragile and you could break me.
“We should go.”
I’m already broken. “You go. I’ll reach you.”
A lie. Just another lie.
I’m alright. I’m fine. I’m not in love with her. I’m so glad for her.
Who will mind if I tell one more lie?
Soon I’m alone in the dark again, listening to my breath.
It’s normal.
I’m not crying.
That’s good. I won’t ruin my family and my friends with bitter and angry words. I won’t scream my grudge to the gods because I was born like a monster.
But I won’t go with my family. I won’t hide in a dark corner to look at the happy and normal people.
I won’t see Casey happy face while he looks at you.
I won’t see your white dress and your bridal veil.
I’ll wear a fake smile for you. Tomorrow.
But I can’t look at you while you belong to someone else.
Because I love you, April.